40 Days in the Wilderness plus Numbers 33 and 42 Camps

I completed a 40-day fast, intentionally breaking it on December 25th, rising with the sun at the winter solstice—the moment the light begins its return.

This timing was deliberate.

As darkness reached its peak, I entered my own wilderness. As the sun was reborn, I stepped out of it.

During the fast, the story of the Exodus surfaced repeatedly—not as history, but as pattern.

Forty Days, Forty Years

The number 40 marks purification and transition throughout sacred texts:

forty days of rain, forty days on Sinai, forty days of fasting, forty years in the wilderness.

As my body stripped itself down, I felt the resonance of Israel’s journey—not as punishment, but as preparation.

Numbers 33 and the 42 Camps

I was drawn to Numbers 33, which records the 42 camps of the Exodus.

That detail mattered.

• 42 is the number of awakening

• 33 is the number of enlightenment

Here was a map within the text: 33 revealing 42—enlightenment pointing toward awakening.

It led me to a simple question:

Did the Israelites spend equal time at each camp?

They did not.

The Long Stay at Kadesh

The longest encampment occurred at Kadesh-Barnea.

What struck me was this:

a journey that would take four days on foot today took 40 years, with 38 years spent in essentially one place.

Kadesh sat at the edge of the Promised Land. The people were not stopped by distance, terrain, or lack of provision.

They were stopped by fear.

Fear of change.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of leaving familiar suffering for unfamiliar freedom.

The result was not wandering—it was waiting.

Waiting until the generation that carried that fear passed away.

Only then could the journey continue.

The Wilderness Reframed

The wilderness is not about geography.

It is about readiness.

You can reach the threshold quickly.

But you cannot cross it until fear loosens its grip.

The Israelites were not lost for forty years.

An old identity simply could not enter the new land.

Rising With the Sun

Breaking my fast at the solstice—rising with the returning light—felt like leaving Kadesh.

Not arriving.

Not completing.

But moving again.

Light does not return all at once.

It increases gradually, once the darkest point has been passed.

So does clarity.

So does freedom.

A Place We All Visit

Kadesh-Barnea is not ancient history.

It is a place each of us reaches when transformation is near.

Some pass through quickly.

Some remain for years.

Some never leave.

The lesson endures:

Fear can hold you longer than distance ever could.

Freedom begins when fear no longer leads.

Forty days revealed what forty years was truly about.

And now, like the sun after the solstice,

the journey moves forward again.